Homily for August 25, 2024
Twenty-First Sunday of Ordinary Time
The Sanctifying Power of A Difficult Marriage
One of
the more difficult days of my priesthood was when my friend called me and
asked, “Can you come over and help me tell my ten-year-old son that his dad
isn’t coming back?” He had just up and left – decided that he needed a new
start, some time away in another state – leaving behind four kids and a
heartbroken wife.
So I
went over the house and broke the news to the oldest boy. Then, once all of the
kids had gone to bed, I sat down with the wife and asked how she was doing. She
told me that all of her friends had told her to officially divorce the guy,
give up on him, and move on. But she was going to fight for that marriage – to
pray and fast for him, no matter what.
I must
admit that I was a bit skeptical that the marriage could be saved, but her
faith was stronger than mine. I agreed to pray and fast along with her, and we
recruited all of our friends to join in the campaign.
Just
last year, that woman and her husband finished leading a two-year marriage
enrichment course for the Diocese of Bridgeport. Their marriage is now
ministering to other couples. It took a miracle – and God granted one – because
this heroic woman wouldn’t give up on a marriage.
St. Paul
lays out such a beautiful vision for marriage in the second reading today. It
is the image of Christ and His Church, this beautiful relationship of mutual
self-gift where the couple lays down their lives for each other. But, as most
of us know, marriage is incredibly difficult. It puts two imperfect people
together, forever, with all of their sins and insecurities and weaknesses. A
recent survey found that six in ten marriages are unhappy. I can testify that there
are many, many marriages that are not in a good place – so if yours is
difficult, please don’t feel like you’re alone. But how can we not despair when
this most precious relationship seems to be crumbling before our eyes? Our
faith gives us some helps to bring beauty out of a difficult marriage – and,
indeed, every marriage. I’d like to mention four insights today.
First,
never underestimate the power of prayer and sacrifice. A lot of the
difficulties of marriage come from the brokenness that both parties struggle
with – brokenness which can be healed through the grace and power of Jesus
Christ. St. Monica (whose feast day we celebrate this week), was married to a
pagan man named Patricius. He constantly mocked her faith and cheated on her.
But she prayed and fasted, prayed and fasted, for decades – and on his
deathbed, he asked for baptism…and asked for her forgiveness. The power of
prayer and sacrifice can break stony hearts and repair relationships – we have
to persevere, sometimes for years, to sacrifice for our spouse. Also, our
intimate prayer with God can heal the ache and the loneliness in our own hearts
when our marriage is difficult – so pray for yourself as well, and fill
yourself with Him so that we can go back to our spouse to love them freely and
fully.
Second,
remember that your spouse is not the enemy. One of the best definitions of
marriage I ever heard was that the couple needs to be “back to back with swords
drawn”. The real enemy of marriage is the Evil One, for the devil hates a good
marriage. A holy marriage is a living, breathing icon of God’s love for
humanity, the reflection of God’s infinite and unshakeable faithfulness, the
most perfect way that two people can sanctify one another, a true foretaste of
Heaven. For this reason, the Evil One will stop at nothing to destroy
marriages.
Author
John Eldrege tells the story of one day he’s driving with his wife, and all day
long they’ve been in a tough place. She’s giving off the vibes that she’s
disappointed in him, even though they haven’t talked about it – you know how
you can sometimes put your pulse on your spouse’s feelings even without words,
it’s just kind of an unspoken feeling. And this feeling wasn’t good – just a
sense that she was mad at him or disappointed in him. He had been praying and
praying on this long, silent drive, and finally sensed God asking him to bring
it out into the open. So, he took a risk and began to ask, “Stasi, I get the
sense that you’re disappointed in me for some reason. Why is that?”
Stasi
turned to him with tears in her eyes and said, “I’m disappointed in you? I got
the feeling today that you were disappointed in me!” Wait, if he wasn’t
communicating that to her, and she wasn’t communicating that to him, then were
did those messages come from? From the Evil One, who loves nothing more than to
divide and conquer a couple. The Evil One will often take a small match and
throw gasoline on it until it becomes a raging, out-of-control bonfire. A small
annoyance suddenly becomes a lifelong grievance. A disagreement suddenly
becomes, in our minds, grounds for divorce. We must be aware that there is an
enemy who hates your marriage, and it is not your spouse. So have your
spouse’s back – with swords drawn against the real enemy of marriage.
Third,
remember that love is not a feeling – it is a choice. If, as St. Paul
says, a husband ought to love his wife as Christ loved the Church, we realize
that Christ died for the Church – and that did not “feel” good. It was,
rather, the decision to sacrifice His life for the benefit of His Bride.
Likewise, a “honeymoon period” doesn’t last forever, for any couple.
Once that wears off, the real work of loving this imperfect person begins. Love
isn’t hearts and chocolates and dinners out…love is taking care of the baby at 3am,
holding back our tongue from the sharp word, listening to our spouse when we’d
rather be scrolling our phones, being there for them when they are sick. Real
love costs – and when we pledged our love for each other, it was in good times and
bad – when it was the honeymoon, and when it was the Cross.
Finally,
even the most difficult marriage can sanctify us. Regardless of whether or not
our spouse ever changes, regardless of whether or not our marriage becomes this
beautiful bliss of love, it can still help to teach us how to love, how to
sacrifice. We can become a holy man or woman precisely through our
difficult spouse. I recently came across St. Gummarus, who is the patron saint
of difficult spouses. From Belgium in the 700s, he married a short-tempered,
shrewish woman who browbeat him, abused their servants, and mocked his piety.
He prayed and fasted for her, but she continued to treat him cruelly – but all
the while, Gummarus was learning to love. Sadly, she decided to abandon him –
and he took this as a sign to spend the rest of his life praying for her. He
built a private chapel and became a hermit, loving her through prayer and
sacrifice. Although there was no “happily ever after” for the couple, Gummarus
became a saint precisely through his mission of loving this difficult woman –
and that is a happy ending.
I know
that many people have suffered the pain of divorce, and there are many reasons
for that. I am in no position to judge those who have gone through it. But I
want to say to those who are in difficult marriages – persevere! Marriage is
worth fighting for! We gave our word on our wedding day to stay faithful, no
matter what – and, as long as marriage isn’t abusive, then it’s worth staying,
if for no other reason than to be sanctified through faithfulness to our
vocation. I am absolutely convinced that if two people are willing to fight for
their marriage, it will work and succeed – and make them holy. So have hope,
especially if your marriage is imperfect and broken and difficult. God can and
will bring something good out of it if we entrust our marriages to Him.
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